so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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