I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
we're making bets on your personal life
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
