she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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