she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
