By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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