i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
