Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
