Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
