Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
