So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
