Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
