I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
