just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
