a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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