i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i drank out of a bidet.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
this is an emotional support booty call
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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