two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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