I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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