guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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