Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
