i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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