New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
