Whatcha textin bout Willis?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
