That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
