Your face is a jimmy john
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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