I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you had me at cake vodka
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
