I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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