all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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