I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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