On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
