the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
