You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
