Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
