I am in a vortex of obligation.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
