Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
