We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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