my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
