Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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