marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
