I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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