he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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