Your face is a jimmy john
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
