im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
