i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
