i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize