i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
