Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
