there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
