This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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