your parents love me but you hate me
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
