I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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