Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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