it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
