Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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