I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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