you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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