guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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