I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
