do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
