I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
