I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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