A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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