pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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