I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
