We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
