I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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