how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
