do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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